Wednesday, April 21, 2004

The Week From Hell

I`ve stared the week from hell in the face, and came out smokefree (dunno about sane, though) on the other side. Last week, it seemed like everything that could go wrong a big way. For 4 days straight, something new and worse would crop up...the worst of which was the news that my beloved 10 yr old cat could have breast cancer. For 5 days I waited on pins and needles for the biopsy results....each day, the urge to smoke got stronger and stronger. Two thoughts stopped me...1) everything I`ve gained in the past 11 months would be literally blown away in a moment of foolishness..and 2) if Keisha were sick, smoking sure wouldn`t make it otherwise. All I`d get out of the deal would be a sick cat and a renewed addiction. And then there was the thought....what if she isn`t sick? What if I get so twisted up with worry that I end up smoking...and she isn`t even sick at all? Good thing that occured to me because as it turns out, the tumours are benign, and her wheeze is due to simple old age. Boy, would I have felt like a complete ass if I`d given in. It`s a good thing that I clearly remember what my life was like before I quit...and that I remember what the first few weeks quit were like. I refuse to go there. Yes, I had insanely strong urges to smoke...but that`s all they are...urges. If I acted on every single one of my urges, I`d be dead or in jail. Hell, if I had a nickel for every time I had the urge to bitchslap someone, I`d be rich. ;~) Smoking is nothing but a remembered response to stress....that`s how I dealt with everything for 20 years. Over the past year, I`ve found new and better ways to respond....I can`t just forget them all when the going gets really tough. I now liken smoking to choosing to put a loaded gun to your head. You can either blow your head off because someone hurt your feelings, or because you had a fight with your kid, or even because you fear that your pet is sick...or you can deal with it. I choose to deal with it. If people were meant to smoke, we`d all have been born with chimneys on our heads.


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