Friday, November 19, 2004


I talked to my mom today. At first, I was thrilled: she hadn't had a smoke for a week. By the end of the conversation, I was upset and disappointed: she admitted that she bummed a smoke from her neighbor today because she was "pissed off". I was a tad disgusted too: she's coming up for Xmas, and since she doesn't have much money, she figures that a couple of packs of smokes is an appropriate gift for her 16 year old granddaughter. I told her that if she dares to buy CJ smokes for Xmas, I'll kick her freakin ass! She's like, "Well, she why not?" So I said, "Because she's a CHILD...that's why not!"It's funny...she expects my kids to buy clothes or something with the money she's giving them...warned me they better not spend it on junk food, even. Yet she thinks it's OK to buy CJ...who is only 3 years older than Kaitlyn...CIGAR-FRICKIN-RETTES!!! AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"Gee kids, I dunno why Grandma is buying CJ an incredibly addictive, deadly drug, while you guys have to buy clothes or books." PPPFFTTT..for fuck sake!!Enough of that, though...this crap makes that vein in my forehead throb. My little sis from the Q has quit again...on what I believe was the same day she quit last year. I'd be a bald faced liar if I said I wasn't disappointed that she has to go through the crap of quitting again. She should be celebrating one year smokefree...not one day. I'm in no position to judge though...there are days where it could easily be me. Not many anymore, but once in awhile I'll see someone with one, and I'll get nostalgic. Then the smell hits me...and that's the end of that urge. I hate the smell of cigarette smoke with a vengeance now. lol If I tried to actually light up, I'd probably barf. The smell alone makes me gag. I try not to be obvious about it...I hated people who would cough and fan the air exaggeratedly. I just try to hold my breath as inconspicuously as possible. lol All in all, this quit has been pretty easy for me. Granted, for the first couple of months, I had a hell of a time most days. I struggled quite a bit. One day, I decided that I had suffered enough. I thought about smoking to end my suffering. Instead, I got a pen and paper & challenged myself to come up with 5 good things about smoking. If I could do that, then I could smoke, I figured. I stared at the paper for what seemed like forever...and couldn't even come up with one. Then I decided to write down all the things that had changed for the better since I quit. I filled up both sides of the paper in less than 10 minutes. That did it for me. I started to develop a positive attitude toward quitting, as well as a strong commitment toward staying quit. From then on, whenever I've had craves, I've been able to take them in stride. They have no power over me. Hell, after I talked to Mom, I had a beast of an urge. I was incredulous over her screwed-up gift idea, plus ticked off about some other stuff she said...and I started having some screwed-up ideas of my own. I went for a walk downtown, to go to the bank and check my mail. That 15-20 minutes did me a universe of good...when I got home, I felt calm and relaxed again. I thought about my earlier notion that a smoke might help the situation, and cracked up laughing. All a cigarette would've done is lead to another....and another....and another. Not to mention the explaining I'd have had to do, the self-flaggellation and loathing I'd have been sure to feel, the tears from my kids...and probably from myself. Nope, screw that. It ain't's so not worth any of that stuff. Listen up, people....WALK GOOD, SMOKE BAD!!!!! lol


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