Wednesday, September 28, 2005


There are days I seriously wonder wtf I was thinking when I had kids. lol My dear, beloved teenager ran out of cell phone minutes before the concert...and that was what I bought her the freaking minutes for. To call me when her and Tina were picked up from the concert. Tina blew all hers, too. I'm pretty sure those two brainiacs were texting each other on the bus ride. So she called me collect from a payphone before the concert started, and I told her to call me as soon as she got back to Tina's grandma's. I waited up until 2:30 in the call. Forget about shitting bricks....I was shitting whole skyscrapers. I must've paced a 5 ft deep trench in my living room floor. I called 1 and answer. I'm a little disappointed in the grandma, I gotta say. If I saw a message from my granddaughter's friend's mom on my machine at 1:30am, I'd make damn sure the child called home before going to sleep, no matter what time it was. Around 2 or so, I realized that if something were wrong, I'd have heard about it already....the "no news is good news" principle. After that, I was able to doze off a little. To say I slept fitfully is an understatement. lol I think I woke up every 15 mins or so.

Finally the phone rang around 6am. It was Kait, and of course I got the "what were you so worried about?" line. Just you wait, Kaitlyn....when it's your 14 y/o at a rock concert in the big city, we'll see how maternal worry kicks the snot outta you! Sheesh! Anyway, everything went well and the concert kicked ass. I'll discuss the lack of cell minutes and lack of phone call after the concert this afternoon when she gets home. She knows that I'm pissed about the cell minutes thing, but I didn't say much about it on the phone. I was just happy to hear her voice and know for sure that she is safe. I gotta call this trip a success overall, though. If running out of phone minutes was their biggest screw up, than its all good. I'm not worried about them getting wasted at the concert or anything. I trust Kait's judgement. She wants no part of drugs. I talked with her about never accepting anything from a stranger....teenager edition. I warned her off about never leaving her drink cup unattended, and keeping the lid on and such. I explained how easy it would be for some jackass to spike her drink with booze, or worse yet, GHB. I also talked to her about not accepting any joints that might be offered, for the reason that lots of people like to spice up their pot with PCP, coke, heroin and the like. The biggest thing I kept reiterating was that Kait and Ti should stick together like glue and look out for each other. Nothing like the buddy system.
I'm not naive....I'm pretty sure those girls were at least a little stoned when they left there. I'm not so old that I don't remember the copious pot smoking that goes on at a rock concert. Bottom line: I trust her. Also, she knows that if she did anything wrong while in get plastered at the concert....she'd never be allowed another excursion like this....EVER. As she said, she'd be stupid to screw this up...another of her fave bands is playing nearby after the new year. lol

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Worry Is The Most Wasteful Emotion....

The sooner I learn that for good, the better! I've been working pretty solid for the past month, and I gotta's like I've been lifeguarding for years.We'll see what happens the first time there's an emergency on my shift, but I'm confident that I can handle it if it does happen. Honestly, worrying about my ability to do this job was really stupid of me. I am more than competent....what I need to do is get confident. I'm getting better in that area, though.

So many things have been happening around here lately, it's insane. Some good...some otherwise.

Good (with a touch of otherwise): I'm not the only one in the family with a new job in a new field. Mickey quit his retail job of 10 work on the railroad. He's on his second week and is really enjoying it so far. He's away from home from Monday morning to Thursday afternoon, so sleeping alone 3 nights a week takes some getting used to. His days could vary, too. He was telling me that next week he may be out for 6 days, but off for 8. The new job is good...the new wage is really good....the time apart kinda sucks. The funny thing is, in the long run, we actually get more time together. When he worked at the grocery store, he had 2 days off, but not. On those 2 days, he worked as a projectionist for the movie theatre, so he basically never had days off for about 3 years. I should quit whining, though...I can do this 3 nights standing on my head. Even if it's 6 nights, it's still nothing compared to the months on end we'd have to be apart when he was in the army.

Otherwise: The boy child needs dental surgery to remove 2 extra teeth in his bottom jaw. New job doesn't give Mickey benefits until he's been there 6 months. I don't get benefits at all as a part time employee. His appointment with the specialist (3 hours away) was on Oct. Monday. The group coverage from the previous job runs out on Friday, and the insurance company (of frickin course) won't give us a break. So I had to cancel the appointment that we had to wait 6 bloody months for in the first place, because of 3 lousy days.

Good (peppered with otherwise): Kaitlyn is, as I type, rocking out at the Green Day concert that we gave her tickets to on her birthday in June. However, the plan was for Mickey to take her. He couldn't because of his job, so I was gonna take her. Six days to concert day...last sitter for the twins cancelled on me. I was like....NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I ended up giving my ticket to her best friend, and sending them both into the city on the Greyhound. They're staying with the friend's grandma. I kinda wish I was there, but honestly...what a drag to go to a rock concert with your mom of all people! That's why I gave the ticket to her friend. She'd have way more fun with Tina than with her old mother. It helped that they have an overprotective grandma to stay with, too. lol I'm a bit nervous at the thought of my little girl at a rock concert in Vancouver, but her and Tina are smart girls with good heads on their shoulders. Hell, she's called me 6 times since I put her on the bus yesterday afternoon. lol Friggin mama hen syndrome. :~s I won't breathe properly until I hear from her after the concert, I just know it. She ran out of cell phone mins (damn her) so I prolly won't hear from her until midnight, when she gets back to the burbs. My baby's growing up on me, but does it have to cause me such anxiety?? Yes. It does. That's what makes me a good mom.

Totally, utterly sucky: It looks like the end is near for my cat. I'm pretty sure the cancer is in her lungs, judging by the way she wheezes at times, and the way she has to stop to catch her breath when she comes up from the basement. I also discovered a small lump on the side of her neck the other day. She's lost quite a bit of weight, too...yet she's still eating and drinking. Not nearly as much as she used to in a sitting, (she was a flipping pig in cat's clothing) but still twice a day. The rest of time she's curled up on a blanket behind the couch. I know I should consider putting her to sleep soon, but I can't imagine doing it while Mick is away. I couldn't bear that pain without him next to me. We can't do it at the end of this week because I"m working when he gets home Thursday, and I picked up an extra shift for Friday morning and don't get off until 3:30 Unless we can get in after that, I may either have to wait until the end of the following week, or bite the bullet and just do what's right instead of what's convenient and easier for me. Fuck, I hate this. I've never had to make this decision before, and it blows big time. :~(

I've had some smoking memories from time to time while this upheaval has been happening, but would I actually have a cigarette? No way, man....smoking is so tired. My quit is one of the few things I actually have control of right now...I'll be damned if I'm giving it up.

Monday, September 05, 2005

T minus 29 Hours.......

Until I start my first job in 5 years. Holy crap...ya wanna talk about nervous! I'll be OK, I know that....I went in 3 days last week for some orientation, and I'm going in today to find out how to close the pool. I've no doubt that I'm able to do the job. It's just that I haven't worked in 5 years, and I'm not sure how my body will react to three 8 hour shifts in a row. I'm trying really hard not to think about that, and to follow Nike's advice....just do it. I can't let that garbage into my head, for every time I do, I get that old familiar feeling. You know the one...that "omg, I'm freaked...a smoke will calm me" feeling. I know it's bullshit. A smoke won't do anything of the sort. All a smoke will do is make what I'm feeling now even worse. Not only that, but after a time, smoking will make it impossible for me to do my job. There's no way in hell I could've passed the physical criteria as a smoker.

It's a remembered reaction to stress, plain and simple. I've been quit two and a half years...but I smoked for 20. That's a drop in the bucket, really. I smoked as a reaction to EVERYTHING...good and bad, for a really long time. It's natural to occasionally think of smoking when the stress hits hard and fast. It's nothing to be afraid of, but something to keep in the back of your mind. As long as you do nothing about it, you're laughin'. That's the beauty of staying quit, really.....all you have to do is nothing.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

I Wish....

that I could rip the blinders of addiction off of the people that I care about. For example, my mom was talking about all the blood pressure meds and whatnot that she's had to take the past several years. I replied that I battled high BP before I quit smoking, and for the last 2 years, its been steady as a rock. Her answer to that was basically that she'd rather eat Lipitor twice a day. :~s

My brother had something like a six month quit under his belt recently....shot to hell in a night of drinking with his Navy buddies. He shrugs and goes "oh well...quitting's easy....I've done it lots." *sigh* Then there's my 17 y/o niece....I won't even go into that one, except to say that she's finally started smoking in front of me after 2 years. Every time she lit one last weekend, I wanted to rip it out of her face and stub it out in the middle of her forehead! lol

Why is it that I've held onto my quit come hell or high water? I used to have the least amount of willpower of anyone I knew. Everyone....absolutely everyone....expected me to cave a long time ago. I was pretty close last weekend....but I held on....lord knows how. Addiction is an insidious little bastid....he lies dormant for weeks, months, YEARS at a time....but the second he sees a chink in your armour....BAM!! He tries to worm his way in. I look at it this way, though....I'd much rather be an ex-smoker with an occasional desire for a sickarette, than a smoker who is chained to nicotine til the day I die.