I Hate Stress

Grrrr! Stress bites! I got so many things stressing me right now, it's just not funny. At least the thought of smoking isn't bothering me. You'd think that I'd be craving like a madwoman with all the stuff going on right now, but nothing. (whisper) It's almost like I never smoked. (/whisper) Trying not to tempt fate, there. LOL Cigs are actually the furthest thing from my mind right now. It's not like it would fix anything. It sure won't help my dad get better faster. It looks like he'll be fine..the clot's in his elbow...lucky bugger. *rolleyes*

I honestly can't thing of a single good thing I ever got out of smoking. I smoked because I had no choice, not because I wanted to. I smoked because I was addicted, and because it was all I knew. I thought people were supposed to smoke...after all, everyone I knew did it. Hey, I started when I was 11....WTF did I know, anyway? You know what really freaks me out? My twins are 11 in a couple months....they're BABIES, FCOL. So was I, but I thought I was sooooo grown up. Smoking is slavery, and that kind of existence is unacceptable to me now. I will not risk enslaving myself like that again because my dad's sick and going under the knife yet again, or because my stupid pain has flared up again, or even if the damn sky falls. I remember all too well what active addiction is like. I remember my last cigarette like it was yesterday. I thought that I needed it soooo bad, that it would make everything alright with my world again. It did no such thing. It tasted horrendous..not at all the "pleasant" taste I thought I remembered. Elephant dung probably tastes better. I choked and hacked for what seemed like an eternity. I couldn't catch my breath. I thought smoking would calm the cough I'd been dealing with for 2 weeks, can you believe that bull?! It was putrid, that smoke...I couldn't even finish it. So, did my stress magically disappear like I expected it too? Do cows really jump over the moon? Nope, 'course not. In fact, I felt worse than ever....like I'd just hit rock bottom. At the time, I journalled that there were just the 2 smokes in the pack I found in the garage...but it was more like 5 or 6. Don't ask me why. I haven't a clue. I was trying to quit smoking and wasn't the most lucid at the time. LOL Anyway, here's the real deal about that morning. Yes, I smoked half of 2 of those cigs. That's never been in question. After the second one, I knew that if I kept the rest, I'd be buying a pack in no time. I didn't do anything right away, though. I went for a walk to clear my head, and to visit Mickey at work to apologize. We'd been fighting all night. Then I went back home. I stood outside the garage door for a few minutes. I finally took a deep breath, opened the door and marched across the room to the workbench where I'd tossed the pack. I picked them up and stared at them for what seemed like hours. I could almost hear them whispering, "c'mon, you know you wanna, just smoke us, we'll fix everything, you need us, we own you....yada yada yada" My hands started to shake badly. I remember thinking, "If I don't quit now, these things will most likely end up killing me." I could still hear that evil little voice chanting, "smoke.....smoke.....smoke....." Me: "All smoking did was make me more miserable." Addiction: "you want us....you need us...we own you..."I felt this tremendous surge of anger well up inside me....anger that for over half my life, the little white poison-filled tube held the control. Anger that this inanimate object had the power to make me jump through all sorts of hoops to get a fix. I slowly closed my fingers around the pack and squeezed. I squeezed harder and harder...my fingers flexing rythymically as I crushed that cardboard box and ground its contents to powder. I opened my fist, and loose tobacco ran from between my fingers. I felt kind of liberated as I looked down at the crushed pack....twas a "take that!" sort of feeling. LOL I'd love to say that my quit was smooth sailing after that, but I'd be a liar if I did. There have been rough spots, but I've made it past them. There have been many, MANY times that I've had the urge to light up, but my urge to live a long life...free and on my own terms...is much stronger. For me it comes down to a simple choice...get busy living or get busy dying. (Yes, I did steal a movie line...so sue me! heheh) I choose to live a life of quality, one where I don't end up dragging an O2 bottle around, or have to tell my beloved family that I'm going to die due to my own folly.

No News is Good News

No news on Dad yet. That's cool, though....no news is good news, as far as I'm concerned. Nora will call when she has something to tell me. Stressful nonetheless, though....I hate the way he's in and out of the hospital. Fortunately though, he knows his body well, and when something is amiss he doesn't mess around. Plus he has a doctor who knows that and doesn't treat him like some hypochondriac crackpot like the doctors here were doing. He nearly died before he found a doctor (out of town) who would listen to him and didn't treat him like it was all in his head.The thought of smoking hasn't bothered me at all since I talked to Nora last night. I've gone to the gym every day this week so far and whaled the hell out of the punching bag, as well as going for a run on the elliptical. That reinforces my pride in my quit, because if I was smoking, there is no way in hell I'd be able to smack that bag around for as long as I've been lately. I'm up to five minutes straight before I need a breather and a stretch. When I first started on the bag, I couldn't even go 45 seconds without being winded. It's also a wonderful way to release excess stress. As for the running, I'm up to 20 minutes! Wooo hoooo! Another great stress buster and quit reinforcer. So what if I hurt like hell afterwards? It's helping in the long run. When I first started back to the gym in September, I could barely do 5 minutes on level 1...now I can do 20 on level 4. OK, so I practically crawl into the house after, but nothing worth having comes easy. If I can lose some weight, that will help my pain in the long run. I'm already noticing some benefits, both in the way I look and feel...so it's all good to me. Besides, its not like quitting smoking was easy, but I did it. If I can do that, I can do anything....disabilities be damned!

JC On a Cracker...

Crap. My dad is in the hospital again. I came home to a message on my machine the other night, and tonight my stepmom called to update me on his condition. He's having surgery to remove yet another blood clot...at least this one is just in the elbow. He'll be OK, I'm sure...he always is. He seems to go into the hospital at least once a year for surgery and always comes home right as rain....until the next time. The thought of a smoke floated briefly through my mind when I listened to the message from Nora Monday night, and again when she called tonight. That old conditioned response to stress come back to haunt me. The good news is that the thought didn't linger long. I pretty much dismissed it as soon as it showed up. Thought to myself, "And just what would that solve? All that would accomplish would be to have me back up to a pack a day in no time...not to mention I'd have one hell of a butt-kicking to look forward to when Dad comes home." Not worth it as far as I'm concerned....either prospect. Sheesh...this guy isn't gonna be happy til all my hair is completely white and he's scared a good 20 years off my life! LOL

Damn Niece...

CJ has been saying more and more lately that she wants to quit. It's always going to happen "once this pack's finished", though. :~( She'll be 17 next week and has been smoking full time for a couple of years. She says she was about 9 the first time she tried smoking. I found out she was hooked right around the time that I quit. What brilliant timing that kid has! lol *rolleyes* She can barely afford to eat half the time, I'd like to know how she affords smokes at 10 bucks a pop. But then, she lives in a hostel...I'm sure her housemates have no problems with scoring her smokes. I wish she'd get the hell outta there. The dude that runs it is a real creep. I hate the way she's gone from flophouse to flophouse since her mother kicked her out, though. At least she's been there (at the hostel) for longer than a month. I offered her my basement when the crap hit the fan at home...was even planning to renovate not only the bedroom, but the rec room area for her, but she wasn't into that. She could have a stable home where people actually treat her with respect, she could be in school, she could have her own space. The basement door has a lock on it, for cryin out loud. She could be worrying about the sorts of things that 16 year old girls should be worrying about, like boys...learning to drive...mid-term exams...the prom. But no...she'd rather sponge off kiddie welfare so that she can sleep til 3 pm and stay out all night doing christ only knows what. Figures she's "all grown up" now. I keep telling her that most grown-ups have a little thing called a job, but I'm obviously wasting my breath there. I probably could've forced her to move in with me, but for what? To have her pull the same crap here that she was pulling at home? I know that most of her rebellion was a direct result of how she was treated at home...but old habits die hard. I'm not stupid enough to think that the kid would revert to completely acceptable behavior once under my roof. I love her, but I also know her well. She's no angel by any stretch. She'll do anything she thinks she can get away with, and she has a very rich fantasy life, so to speak. In short, your classic troubled teen. Damn, I could kick my sister. Her daughter is so bright...has so much potential...and instead of nurturing that, she destroyed it. Bitch, moan, nitpick, shriek....bitch, moan, nitpick, shriek....over and over ad nauseum for 15 years. Never a word of support or praise...just bitch, moan, nitpick, shriek. I better shut up now. This is turning into a rant about stuff I can't change no matter how much I may want to.

Man, That Thing Was Nasty!

I finally went out and got rid of that ashtray full of butts. You know, the one next to the gas can! LOL That still makes me shake my flippin head. Most people would see the gas can and go "gee...maybe I better not stand next to that while I smoke." Partially my fault, though...I should've made sure nothing like that was nearby.Gaaahhh....did I just say that??? Where the hell else am I supposed to keep the gas if not in the garage?!

I avoided that ashtray for a couple of days. When I finally went out to deal with it, I was incredulous at the number of butts in it. She didn't go outside very often while she was at my house, but when she was, it was pretty obvious that she was chainsmoking 2 or 3 in a row. That ashtray shouldn't have been nearly as full as it was, considering she was only going outside twice, three times tops when she was visiting me. What was she doing...stocking up? She didn't really have to power smoke over at Wanda's...she had Mark to smoke with over there, so I imagine she was going outside pretty regularly. Now that I mention it, I think I know why I avoided that ashtray for as long as I did. I was pretty stressed over the holidays...I think I placed some sort of twisted glorification on those butts...figured if I went out there, I'd be tempted to do something stupid. I was giving those nasty little ciggy butts wayyyy too much power. When I finally emptied and cleaned that ashtray, I saw it for what it really is....nothing special. Just a black glass dish full of sickness and death. I shook my head and mentally kicked myself for thinking like a fool.

Ranting About Mom's Smoking

I put my mom on the bus last night with the usual mixed emotions....it was good to see her, but it was kinda good to put her back on the bus just the same. LOL I love the woman dearly, but she causes everyone's stress level to rise. She tends to flip out for no reason sometimes, and I really hate having to rescue my kids and my niece from their own grandmother. I know it's not entirely her fault, but it's still a huge p.i.t.a. to deal with. It's not cool to scream obscenities at children when they're beating you at cards, no matter how many strokes you've had. That's something I've never allowed her to get away with during her visits, and she knows it. She has gotten somewhat better than she used to be, but she still tries to get away with it at times. It's like some sort of screwed up ritual every time she comes here...kid wins at cards, she gets pissy, I tell her to quit it, she gets all p.o.'d, I roll my eyes and say, "Mother, we've BEEN through this several times...you WILL control your temper when you play games with my children." She snaps that she can't help it and maybe she "should just shut her fucking mouth". At which point I used to shake my head and walk away. This time I glared daggers at her and I said in my best frosty tone, "First off, you bloody well CAN help it, and second....yeah, sometimes maybe you SHOULD shut up." OMFG...you shoulda seen her face. She looked like she wanted to retort soooo bad, but she held her tongue. Can't help it, my butt. She controlled her temper just fine when she was dealing with someone that won't put up with her tantrums. I've been telling her since Kaitlyn and the twins were old enough to play games that her extreme poor sportsmanship was unacceptable...it's not like I'm suddenly jumping down her throat about it. Awww, hell with it...she's back home now. No sense grumbling about it at this point. It's just same shit, different visit.The trip to the hot springs on Tuesday was rather enjoyable. I actually had a good time with my mother and my sister. There are worse ways to spend a Tuesday morning than to soak in the hot springs with light snow gently falling. I was kind of tense when we first set out. I didn't know what to expect, but Wanda and I actually got along really well and Mom didn't have a single hissy fit. I half expected her to. She thought we were bloody insane for wanting to take her "swimming" in the dead of winter. She had never been to a hot spring before, and wasn't really looking forward to it. She changed her tune as soon as she stepped into that pool. LOL After about 10 minutes, she swore that she was in heaven. After our soak, we went upstairs to the restaurant and had brunch. It was....well....kind of nice to be out with my sister and mom. Too bad they're so crazy-making more often than not.

Happy To See Her Come, But...You Know The Rest ;~)

I put my mom on the bus last night with the usual mixed emotions....it was good to see her, but it was kinda good to put her back on the bus just the same. LOL I love the woman dearly, but she causes everyone's stress level to rise. She tends to flip out for no reason sometimes, and I really hate having to rescue my kids and my niece from their own grandmother. I know it's not entirely her fault, but it's still a huge p.i.t.a. to deal with. It's not cool to scream obscenities at children when they're beating you at cards, no matter how many strokes you've had. That's something I've never allowed her to get away with during her visits, and she knows it. She has gotten somewhat better than she used to be, but she still tries to get away with it at times. It's like some sort of screwed up ritual every time she comes here...kid wins at cards, she gets pissy, I tell her to quit it, she gets all p.o.'d, I roll my eyes and say, "Mother, we've BEEN through this several times...you WILL control your temper when you play games with my children." She snaps that she can't help it and maybe she "should just shut her fucking mouth". At which point I used to shake my head and walk away. This time I glared daggers at her and I said in my best frosty tone, "First off, you bloody well CAN help it, and second....yeah, sometimes maybe you SHOULD shut up." OMFG...you shoulda seen her face. She looked like she wanted to retort soooo bad, but she held her tongue. Can't help it, my butt. She controlled her temper just fine when she was dealing with someone that won't put up with her tantrums. I've been telling her since Kaitlyn and the twins were old enough to play games that her extreme poor sportsmanship was unacceptable...it's not like I'm suddenly jumping down her throat about it. Awww, hell with it...she's back home now. No sense grumbling about it at this point. It's just same shit, different visit.The trip to the hot springs on Tuesday was rather enjoyable. I actually had a good time with my mother and my sister. There are worse ways to spend a Tuesday morning than to soak in the hot springs with light snow gently falling. I was kind of tense when we first set out. I didn't know what to expect, but Wanda and I actually got along really well and Mom didn't have a single hissy fit. I half expected her to. She thought we were bloody insane for wanting to take her "swimming" in the dead of winter. She had never been to a hot spring before, and wasn't really looking forward to it. She changed her tune as soon as she stepped into that pool. LOL After about 10 minutes, she swore that she was in heaven. After our soak, we went upstairs to the restaurant and had brunch. It was....well....kind of nice to be out with my sister and mom. Too bad they're so crazy-making more often than not.

WTF?!

WTF is going on with my sister?! She called a little while ago...to invite me to go to the hot springs with her and Mom on Tuesday. Holy crap, man. She's scaring me bad! LOL Maybe she wants to bury the hatchet...and not in my back this time. It's not really reasonable anymore to think that she's doing this for show. Inviting me to Xmas dinner would've sufficed if that were the case. Who knows what her motives are? If she wants to make up, fine...I just hope that she can show me some respect for a change. If she expects me to put up with her same old bitchiness without a word, though...it ain't happening. I won't hesitate to tell her exactly where to get off these days. I don't think she realizes how outspoken I've become over the last 2 years....but if she crosses me, she soon will! ;~) Like I said before, I'll just wait and see. I'll try to keep an open mind about her, but I know better than to just up and trust her after being shunned for close to 2 years...for no real reason besides the fact that, for once in my life, I had the guts to stand up to her.I just really hate the way that she wants to sweep everything under the rug. It would be nice if she'd respect me enough to talk things through, instead of pretending like the last couple years never happened. That pretty much tells me that the next time I have a problem with her, the same thing will happen. I'll bring something to her attention, and she'll go KABOOM! and have another freaking temper tantrum and refuse to acknowledge my existence for another couple years. FCOL, this woman is 42 years old this summer....you'd think she could conduct herself in a mature manner. LOL Aww jeez, maybe I should just let it alone. If I try to figure out why Wanda does anything, I really will go nuts!

Happy New Year!

In what's probably the biggest miracle of this holiday season, I partied with my sister on New Years Eve...and actually had a good time. Got up to puke at 7 am, but still had a good time. LOL Usually when you put me and Wanda in the same room for too long, things get tense rather quickly, but last night was fine. We even sang backup on a couple songs together. All I'm gonna say where my sister is concerned is that I'll wait and see.So out of a group of about 25 people, it looked like there were only about 6 of us that don't smoke. Basically, there was a cigarette burning in an ashtray somewhere every minute of the night. It was pretty gross. I had to go for fresh air breaks a couple times. I knew what I was getting myself into, though....Mark smokes, both the guys in his band smoke, and most of the people they know smoke as well. There were about 20 musicians in attendance....only 3 don't smoke. The cloud was pretty thick in that warehouse...and to think that I once would've added to the problem. I've been to many of Wanda and Mark's jam sessions, and it was nothing for me to puff my way through an entire pack of smokes and guzzle a 12 pack of beer. Even though I didn't smoke a single cigarette, I woke up this morning with an elephant on my chest. It felt like I smoked a pack and then some! I spent the morning clearing my throat repeatedly. It was not fun. Even worse, when I went to the bedroom to get dressed this afternoon, I noticed a really funky smell. I sniffed all around, then noticed the smell got stronger the closer I got to the clothes Mickey and I wore out. Sure enough, the nasty smell was coming from those clothes. I thought about binning them instead of washing them! LOL To think I walked around smelling like that 24/7 for years and didn't even notice it. Bleccchh! You know, it's weird. Smoking really messes with your voice and your lung capacity in a big way...so why is it that almost every musician I've ever met smokes?! Go figure. Out of the 3 non-smoking musicians, 2 used to smoke. Wanda has been quit for about 8 or 9 years, and Marie for about 6 years. See...long term quits are possible! Also, my dad has been quit for 24 years. It can be done....this stupid flipping monkey can be beaten.