Wednesday, April 21, 2004

The Week From Hell

I`ve stared the week from hell in the face, and came out smokefree (dunno about sane, though) on the other side. Last week, it seemed like everything that could go wrong a big way. For 4 days straight, something new and worse would crop up...the worst of which was the news that my beloved 10 yr old cat could have breast cancer. For 5 days I waited on pins and needles for the biopsy results....each day, the urge to smoke got stronger and stronger. Two thoughts stopped me...1) everything I`ve gained in the past 11 months would be literally blown away in a moment of foolishness..and 2) if Keisha were sick, smoking sure wouldn`t make it otherwise. All I`d get out of the deal would be a sick cat and a renewed addiction. And then there was the thought....what if she isn`t sick? What if I get so twisted up with worry that I end up smoking...and she isn`t even sick at all? Good thing that occured to me because as it turns out, the tumours are benign, and her wheeze is due to simple old age. Boy, would I have felt like a complete ass if I`d given in. It`s a good thing that I clearly remember what my life was like before I quit...and that I remember what the first few weeks quit were like. I refuse to go there. Yes, I had insanely strong urges to smoke...but that`s all they are...urges. If I acted on every single one of my urges, I`d be dead or in jail. Hell, if I had a nickel for every time I had the urge to bitchslap someone, I`d be rich. ;~) Smoking is nothing but a remembered response to stress....that`s how I dealt with everything for 20 years. Over the past year, I`ve found new and better ways to respond....I can`t just forget them all when the going gets really tough. I now liken smoking to choosing to put a loaded gun to your head. You can either blow your head off because someone hurt your feelings, or because you had a fight with your kid, or even because you fear that your pet is sick...or you can deal with it. I choose to deal with it. If people were meant to smoke, we`d all have been born with chimneys on our heads.

Saturday, April 17, 2004


This week SUCKS!!!!!! I'm already in a crap mood, and I have to go to Hayley's for dinner tonight. I'm kind of worried about her smoking, considering the urges I've been having. I don't think I'm stupid enough to actually try to bum a smoke off her, but I'm thinking that if I've been craving this bad when there are no smokes around....I'll REALLY be craving when there are. I doubt she'd give me one, anyway...she's always been supportive of my quit, even though one hasn't stuck for her yet. I can't let myself give in. Nothing is worth smoking over. I've gained so much over the past few months. Even in my gimpy condition, I can walk up hills without drawing a laboured breath. I sure couldn't say that a year ago. I don't want to be chained to a 4" tube of poison again. I really need to remember what life was like before I quit. I never want to go back there again. In less than a year I've been to 2 concerts, had 2 shopping sprees during which I blew an insane amount of cash, rented one hell of a sexy ride, stayed in a decent hotel, bought uncountable trinkets, shelled out big bucks for allowance...the list goes on and on. Our bills are paid for the first time EVER, and I'm finally able to get a credit card of my own. For the first time in my life, I'm not clinging to the poverty line to keep from falling into the abyss. Guess I'm middle class trash now! heheh