Friday, May 30, 2003

Profound Thought For the Day

All I want to do is sleep, my muscles feel like someone used me for a wishbone....but healing always hurts. Think about it...any time a body part gets injured, it hurts like hell at the beginning, then the pain gradually subsides as it heals. Some people are lucky enough to make a full recovery and never think about the injury again, but others may experience flare ups every so they need to take a deep breath, work through the brief burst of pain and carry on. Being afflicted with chronic pain, I see the quit as being similar. One more thing to grin and bear. My injuries have improved over time, even though I`ll never be cured by any stretch...and I had to work damn hard at it. Same thing applies here. This is basically an injury on a much larger scale than your average broken arm or whatever....but like the arm, the body will get better...just give it time.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

How To Beat Feelings of Deprivation!

By not smoking, I am depriving myself of certain death caused by.....

*assorted types of cancer
*heart attack

Cigarettes contain....*benzyne*acetone*cyanide*carbon monoxide*formaldehydeto name but a few. I would not willingly ingest any of these in their pure form...why would I want to in cigarette form???

Monday, May 19, 2003

Anatomy of a Fuck Up

My husband and I have been bitching and moaning at each other for over a week..dunno why. Came to a head last night, and it lasted into the wee hours. At 3 am I found a leftover pack in the garage. What can I say? I had about 4-5 puffs off a smoke and ended up tossing it in the street. I practically ran into the house and went to bed. I woke up at about 7 am, very sad and confused, unsure of how to deal with my emotions without my crutch. Remembered the pack and boom..a few more drags later......Anyway, the point is I screwed up and smoked. I haven`t smoked since this morning...been 6.5 hrs. M and I got things sorted out, so I no longer feel that horrible sadness, or like I`m about to claw my way out of my own skin. After smoking that second cig, I walked down to the store to talk to M. I couldn't go one more minute without getting things straightened out with him. When I got back to the house, I went into the garage and walked over to the old dresser where I kept that "just in case" pack. There was about 5 or 6 smokes left in it. I held it in my hand and looked at it for a long time...seemed like an eternity. Why was I letting these frickin' things have so much power over me?? I didn't feel better after fact I felt a lot worse. Finally, I took a deep breath and slowly crushed that pack in my hand. I squished that little cardboard pack until the cigarettes were nothing but powder. Then I went to the garbage cans in the alley, lifted a smelly bag out of one and tossed the mangled pack in. I replaced the garbage bag I had lifted out, snapped the lid back on and went into the house.

Sunday, May 04, 2003

The Beginning of a New Life

*all names have been changed

May 4,2003...Day 1

Ohhhh boy...I quit last night!! Yay for me! I thought to myself, why put it off any longer? I picked the 14th originally, but it just seemed to me that I was putting off the inevitable. Just trying to stay in my comfort zone, I guess...forgetting that there is no comfort involved in quitting the death sticks, at least not right away! So now here I am on the first morning of my first full smoke free day. I woke up shaking and sweating...but also wheezing and coughing. That served to remind me just why I no longer smoke. The crave was bad, but it passed. I`m even drinking my morning java! I won`t deprive myself that much, screw that!! hehehe If I can get over the morning crave so easily, even with coffee.....I believe this will be a successful quit. It won`t be pretty, I`m sure...but it WILL be successful!9 pm...OMG, what a day. I was shaking and sweating in my bed at a couple points today, but I kept telling myself nope, I don`t smoke...and I didn`t! Not one single puff! Even during my last quit, I snuck puffs for the first week before I quit for the 2. I came a little unglued around dinner, and very nearly walked to the store for smokes, but I think that might`ve been because I was almost an hour late changing my patch. Instead of going to one of the two deathstick vendors within a 3 block radius, I came to the Quitnet and read posts, posted myself and perused my library. Thanks to my stubborness, my patch (lets be honest here) and my newfound Q-munity, I`m going to bed a winner for the second night in a row! And I`m still sane so far! Wooo hooo!! Not too shabby considering smoking is all I know...been doing it as long as I can remember. Not today, Nicoprick...or any other day if I can help it.