Sunday, June 29, 2003

Back From Vacation

First off, I want to say how much I admire those of you who have quit with someone still smoking around them. That takes nerve, and lots of it. Before I went on my trip, I spent 50 days in ideal quitting conditions as my husband doesn`t smoke, most of our friends are non smokers, and I rarely had to face a lit death stick, and never in closed quarters when I did.My trip back home was enjoyable, but it was also a case of getting thrown out of the frying pan and into the fire. The couple we stayed with are our oldest and dearest friends....both of whom smoke like chimneys. All my other friends there smoke...even the one with a lump in her breast. :O( My mom is back to smoking like a fiend. On our first night, my friend decided to take us to a pool hall that was a smokers paradise....everyone and their brother was puffing away all around me. I thought I just might go insane with craving. I don`t know how I made it out of there with my quit intact...just stubborn, I guess. I spent 2 days jumping 10 feet in the air at the slightest thing. On the third day I asked myself why I was getting in such a twist over smoking, since I choose not to do it anymore. I had to remind myself repeatedly that this was my own personal choice, not something that was being forced upon me. After that, it got a little easier to deal with the smokes being lit 3 ft away from me.I was so worried about how I would deal with the smokers on this trip, and rightfully so....but I passed the test with flying colors. It wasn`t easy, and it wasn`t pretty by any stretch...but I did it. If I can get through a test like that, I can surely deal with anything. When I came out of my junkie stupor on the third day, I looked around at these people and started to take notice of how they look, sound and smell.I always thought my mom wore Night Magic, but her perfume is actually Eau de Ashtray. Almost all my friends hack horribly, and some look way older than they should (31-33). When I took a long look at them, I came to realize that this was me 2 months ago. I must`ve looked, sounded and smelled no different. I sure do now, though...and I intend to keep it that way, no matter how tough it may be. After all, when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping! Worked for me all last week!

Friday, June 13, 2003

A Random Rant

Another one bites the dust. First my best friend, then my brother, then my mom. Disappointed? You`re damn right I am! All of them quit shortly after I it looks like I`m the last one standing. But you know something?? I`M NOT GONNA GIVE UP! I know that the margin of success when it comes to quitting smoking is quite small, but I`m in that small margin and I`m gonna stay there. I will not ever smoke again. Some days its bloody hard to say no, but saying yes is so not worth it. I`m going home for a visit in a little over a week...if mom is smoking full time by then, she`s going to catch major hell from me,even though I know it won`t do any good. She has so many health problems...high BP, high cholesterol, diabetes, poor circulation, osteoporosis..and oh yeah..she`s had 3 frickin strokes! How she`s avoided the big C this long I haven`t a clue! The woman is a ticking time bomb and doesn`t even care. The quality of her life sucks as it is...she`s a barely-walking why for chrissakes does she still flirt with cancer and emphysema?? She bitches and complains about how she feels now...what`s she gonna do when she has to drag an O2 tank around? She was all freaky about her recent cataract will she react to a tumour removal? I`m just shaking my head here. I don`t know what to do...the only thing I`m absolutely sure of is that *I* will not smoke. I can`t do anything about the actions of others, no matter how much those actions may disappoint or irritate me. I don`t want to lose my mom, but if she wants to smoke, there is nothing I can do to stop her. Her health problems...every last stinking one of them...are smoking related. I don`t want to end up like her...63 years old but more like 93. I see her quality (or lack thereof) of life, and that is enough to keep me on the straight and narrow. I have enough health problems of my own, and when I look at my mom I see how much worse it could be...even without cancer. I`m not convinced that it won`t rear its ugly head for her, though. That makes me want to cry, but it sure doesn`t make me want to smoke.