Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Oh No...

I thought I was past these kind of craves at 73 days. I just got some really bad news....news bad enough to actually threaten my quit if I let it. My therapist died on the weekend. He was also a good friend, someone that helped me when I needed it the most. He was the one who convinced me that having a mental illness isn`t the end of the world. He convinced me that I had the right to speak up the same as everyone else, and that I shouldn`t be afraid to. He was a voice of reason in my life when very little in it made sense. I didn`t always listen to him...at least not right away...but when I fell on my butt, he never did the `I told you so` thing. He just shook his head and smiled, knowing I`d come around. I had too much at stake not to. He was probably the only decent therapist that I ever met...and I`ve met a few. I am saddened by Dennis` sudden passing, but I know that I can be sad without smoking. Smoking never, ever did anything good for me. I`ve already gotten through lots of tough things without smoking...I`ll get through this too.

Friday, July 11, 2003

First Smoke-free Camping Trip

Went to our usual camping spot where most of the people we party with end up...and guess what? They all smoke. It didn`t matter whose campsite I visited...somebody was smoking. But that`s ok...that`s them after all. I was able to not only be around the smoking people, I was able to drink beer with them, and it didn`t bother me a bit. Why? Because I don`t smoke, that`s why. Hell, I was even able to stop the patches altogether. I kept forgetting to change them, and yesterday it fell off while I was swimming. I never bothered to put one back on, and it isn`t bothering me a bit. No craves, no nothing. I can safely say that I HAVE quit smoking for good. I`ve had my fair share of irritants over the last couple of months, and I know that smoking wouldn`t have made a single one of them better. I`ve realized that its okay to be sad, angry, disgusted, etc....but its not okay to smoke because of it. Smoking does nothing to help one deal with these emotions...all smoking does is stuff them down. And oh yeah...it`ll kill ya to boot! I`d rather have someone be pissed off at me because I told them to screw off than to smoke my brains out and stew about how I shoulda told that idiot to screw off! lol I`ve pissed a few people off in the last two months, and I refuse to feel bad. I`ve apologized to the people that matter, and said TOUGH to the people that don`t. It`s amazing what you learn about yourself when you don`t have that smoke-plug in your mouth. I`ve learned that I used to take a whole lot of shit off people. I really used to give off the vibe that you could say anything to me, and it didn`t bother me. Well, guess again, world! I have an opinion and I`m no longer afraid to let it be known. The earth hasn`t caved in when I`ve told irritating people where to get off. I can`t imagine now why I thought it would. Learning how to be a non smoker is a bitch to start with, but really is empowering if you let it be.