Friday, June 25, 2004

I Hate This.

Why does summer bring about wildly fluctuating moods and obsessive behavior?? I hate it...I hate being bipolar. I hate the tendancy to make mountains out of molehills. I really, REALLY hate the rapidly changing emotions. I can feel about 10 different emotions in 5 minutes some days. It drives me crazy, if you'll pardon the smart-ass pun. On days like this, I really couldn't say what keeps the smokes outta my face. There are moments that I really could kill for one when I feel this way. I guess I just hold on to the knowledge that it will pass. Smoking won't make it pass faster...with my luck, it'd make this crap last longer. Trust me, that's the absolute last thing that I need!

Friday, June 11, 2004

Here It Comes...the Day I've Been Dreading

Tomorrow I will be the mother of a teenager. NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I am so not ready for this. It seems like just yesterday that she was 11 years old, waving her finger at me and telling me that she hoped I wouldn't wait until it was too late before I gave up the cigs. After all the years people spent trying to get me to quit smoking...the thing that finally convinced me came from the mouth of a little kid. When she said that to me, it was like someone kicked me in the guts. It made me realize that I was being horribly selfish. Here I was, 30 years old...happily married with 3 young children....and I was committing suicide on an installment plan. It took me 6 months to quit after Kaitlyn said that to me...but her words rung in my ears every day. The last thing I wanted to do was why the hell was I willingly ingesting 4000+ chemicals and carcinigens...20-30 times a freaking day???? I had been toying with the idea of quitting for awhile, and gave a couple of half-assed attempts...but Kaitlyn's words gave me the kick in the backside that I needed. She's a good kid...and her mama sure didn't raise no fool! LOLOn the down side, I've been having a pity party the last couple of days. I'm just getting sick to death of being in constant pain again. Spraining my good ankle was not a good idea. It's healing okay, but I still can't put a whole lot of weight on it. My bad leg is really feeling the crunch, so to speak. It's not used to having to be the "good leg", so I've been getting zapped in both ankles pretty much non-stop. It's like walking on razor blades.The thought of a smoke crossed my mind once or twice in the last day or so that it's been really bad, but I keep telling myself that it's not going to take away the pain, or make my ankle heal faster, so there's no point. Gotta watch that "poor me" trap. Avoid that sucker at all costs. I don't think I could smoke even if you paid me to anyway. I was at my kids' district track meet today and ran into someone I know. She was smoking, and the smell was perfectly vile, even with the wind blowing. If I tried to light one of those puppies, I'd most likely puke between my feet. Not interested.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Things That Make Ya Go Hmmmm......

What an amazingly shitty week I've had. I swear, men get PMS too! What a collosal peckerhead Mickey can be at times. LOL And to make matters worse, I sprained my good ankle last Friday. I did a number on it big time. I wish I would've just hurt the right least the pain would be concentrated in one leg like I'm used to...and I'd still be able to get around half decently.The really weird thing about all the crap happening lately is that I haven't felt the urge to smoke. Not once. You'd think that after spending several days wrangling with Mickey, getting hurt would be the kicker. I had a pity party Friday night, right enough....but it involved LOTR: Return of the King and some cherry chocolate chip ice cream. lol I sent the rest of the family to the show to see Shrek 2. I wasn't even fit company for the pets! I'd really love to know what's up with my not wanting to smoke. I've had some prime button-pushers in the last little while. Wait a am I questioning it for? This is a GOOD thing. I'm glad I haven't had any urges, it's just that I'm surprised by the lack of them. Who am I to complain? I guess I really am free.