Thursday, August 26, 2004

Glad That's Over....

Looks like Alf has gone back to where he came from, according to my BIL, Mark. I guess I can breathe a sigh of relief now, and can stop locking every window and door when I go out. I was doing that before Alf even broke into Wanda and Mark's. I was seriously nervous about him being here...I have good reason. I can't make my position understood without giving up some gory details...and I'm not into that. So the full story is that Wanda and Mark went camping this past weekend, and Alf broke in through a window and stole some food and stuff. I had thought that he was no longer staying in their shack, but he was. They threw him out when they got home and realized that he broke in. Man, we got us a soap opera here...As The Stomach Turns! Now for a complete change of subject....I wish my mom would quit smoking. She's been in and out of the doctor's office for the last 3 months or so with high BP and high blood sugar. She's been on the meds for both problems for some time now, but it doesn't seem to be helping. It's no wonder...she smokes about 2 packs a day, drinks nothing but Diet Coke and doesn't exercise. Also, she's been out of money for about a week or so...I'm talking $0. I guess she ripped Wanda's head off on the phone a few days ago for daring to suggest that Mom quit smoking and start walking. She had been out of smokes for a day or two, and apparently wasn't taking it too well. It must've been bad...Wanda sent Mom her birthday card early with some money in it. I've given up trying to make that suggestion to Mom...the last time I did, she reacted the same way she did with my sister. It really wasn't a nice conversation. I tried to be as supportive and inoffensive as I could, but it still wasn't well received. The difference between me and Wanda though, is that I refuse to kiss Mom's butt anymore. I played that game for far too's exactly what she wants. She thrives on manipulation. When she called me today and told me about having received Wanda's card and money, it actually sounded as though she were gloating. *sigh* My family is a real laugh riot, eh? LOL

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Oh. My. Fricking. Gawd!

Our trip yesterday was a huge success. We went to Wal-Mart, got everything on everyone's a few spare supplies and shoes for everyone...and only spent $185 and some change. Man, I love civilization. Sometimes living in the boonies really sucks...but it sure is beautiful here. I think that's all that keeps me here. Then again, it is a good place to raise kids. Hearing Matt's (probably hugely embellished) stories about what went on at his junior high school makes me really glad I moved away. Kaitlyn would've ended up at that school in all likelihood. I shudder to think of what she'd be like now if we hadn't moved away. They've got crack, ecstasy, crystal meth...even heroin. You name it, you can get it. I don't really have to worry about Kait here...about the only thing going around our high school is pot, and nobody sells to the younger kids. Besides, Mickey and I know pretty much everybody in town. If Kaitlyn were getting up to no good, we'd know about it 10 minutes later. She can't even move around innocently without one of us knowing what she's up to. Just the other day, she went for lunch with her friend. As far as she was aware, her dad didn't know about it...he was at work early. When Mickey got home that evening, he asked Kaitlyn how her lunch with Gina was. She gaped at him and asked how the hell he knew she was out with Gina when he'd barely walked in the door from work. She must think we have a network of spies everywhere. Good...that's just what we want her to think! hehehehe

I found out from my Dad yesterday that Alf broke into Wanda and Mark's place a few days ago. I don't know if he took anything, though. I couldn't believe it...I didn't think he'd stoop that low, especially after they let him stay at their place for about a month. Wanda's a hard-ass, and she let him stay even though he only worked sporadically for one company, drank away the proceeds, and blew off another company completely...and didn't give her one thin dime. Dad didn't say too much about it...he doesn't really like to discuss Alf, especially not around the kids. Geez...I guess our Alfie doesn't think he's sunk low enough. Now he's B&Eing his own sister's house. I think the only reason he hasn't done my place is that he's scared of Mickey. He has about 6 inches and 75 pounds on him....and that 75 pounds sure ain't fat. As terrible as it may sound, I'm not going to worry about Alf and all his problems. Hell, I got enough of my own.. The only one that can help him is him. We've all tried, and ended up getting bled dry...or B&E'd. It's not that I want anything bad to happen to him, even if he did use me as a punching bag..among other things..way back when. I've just had enough of his lies, and refuse to listen to them anymore. I've heard the same old garbage ad nauseum for over 20 some years.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Well, That Was An Interesting Visit...

Matt's parents came to pick him up yesterday. They spent the night and left about 1 pm today. It was great to see Sherry & Rob. Hopefully they'll stop in on the way home....they forgot a couple of things anyway. LOL It was nice to have Matt for the two weeks, but I sure hope he gets an attitude adjustment. He seemed to feel the need to act like the big, tough city boy while he was here...desperate to prove something. What, exactly....I haven't a clue. LOL I chalked it up to typical teenage boy bluster.Last night was kind of weird. Although I really enjoy being an ex-smoker and wouldn't go back for the world, Sherry & Rob's smokes were smelling really good for some reason. Now WTF was up with that? I caught myself a couple of times about to ask Sherry for a drag. Oh, the horrah!!!!! Could it have been because I was drinking? But I only had 2-3 coffee and Bailey's...I wasn't even close to being buzzed. I can't see that being the reason. I've drank before and never felt like smoking. It was really hard to hold onto my quit when I visited her last year. I've always done the coffee and cig thing with her. I chalked that one up to only having been quit for less than 2 months, and didn't think too much of it. This time was different. It was like almost as soon as she showed up, I started having the urge for a smoke. Maybe it's because Sherry is one of my original smoking buddies...the one I learned to smoke with, in fact. Our first smokes were stolen from our mothers. I still remember....she'd swipe Benson & Hedges 100 Lights and I'd swipe Rothmans. Hers were like smoking air...mine were like smoking camel dung. Soon we were buying single smokes for a quarter at the corner store. Sheesh...scary stuff, 12 & 13 year olds being sold smokes for a quarter. This was way back in the dark ages....the '80's. hehehI guess I associate Sherry with smoking or something, sad as that may seem. I really hope she quits next month like she says she's going to. She's got a nasty sounding cough...Rob too. I want to encourage her, but I don't want to come off as preachy or anything. I hate those militant, self righteous ex-smokers. My sister is one of used to drive me batty. Maybe I should send her the link to here again....I doubt that she saved it the last time. LOL

Monday, August 16, 2004

Back From Camping

Well, I'm back from my vacation. We got home from camping on Saturday afternoon...were supposed to be back Friday, but we decided to stay another day. The kids were okay with that right at first, but then the older ones claimed to be bored. Now how you can get bored with a swimming hole to swim in, a waterfall to climb, and about 300 hectares of forest to explore I'll never know...but that's teens for you. No TV or computer for a week and they go bananas. Ahhh well, no biggie. I, for one, had a blast...even though my body feels like someone put steel toed boots to it. I don't care though...I love to camp, and I'd do it even if every bone in my body felt broken. LOL We might even try to sneak in another trip before school starts...probably just a weekend, though. We're even planning next year's camping trips...we picked up a provincial park guide to help us out. I get free camping at all provincial parks due to my disability, so we're no longer limited in where we can go. Sometimes, being disabled doesn't suck! LOL I'm not real sure if Matt is having a good time here or not. He's chock full of teen angst, for one thing. Everything is "whatever" and "meh". He's a good kid, for the most part...but doesn't seem to care about much. Example: I went out of my way to take him to do something he's never done....ride a ferry across a lake. First, Mickey and I got into a snarking match about it, because he didn't feel like going. I couldn't drive that day, so I stayed behind. Then later, he and Kaitlyn got into it because he assumed it was all Kaitlyn's fault that they were taking this day trip. All she did was ask...once...if we could go into the village. After all was said and done, I asked Matt how he liked the day trip, and he basically said he couldn't care less. Impressed? I think not. He's also gotten Kaitlyn into huge amounts of crap due to mouthing off. He starts, and Kait...being the competitive sort that she is...has to try to go him one better. I could've knocked their heads together quite cheerfully the other night. Matt is a big talker...or gobshite, as Mickey would say. LOL I guess he just had to see how far he could push before I blew. Kids....bahhh!!As far as my little brother goes, it looks like he got the message. Also looks like I'm Public Enemy #1 to him, but oh well. You can't please everybody. He went by my house on his bike yesterday. Mickey and I were sitting on the front porch. He wouldn't even look at us...just had a look on his face like he hadn't had a crap for a month. Yep, that's about how I figured the message would be received. That old "if you dare to call me on my BS, you're a bitch" mentality is alive and I'm surprised. Most of my family has that mentality.Enough about them, though. I'll close this entry with a HUGE smoking deterrent. My niece CJ came to visit me yesterday. We were talking about her smoking, and she told me that not only do her and her roommate save cig butts to roll into smokes.....they use MAGAZINE paper to roll them if they're out of cigarette papers. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! She says she's trying to quit. I bloody well hope so, especially if she's smoking her latest copy of freakin "Teen Beat"!!


Oh man, are the kids ever getting hard to keep busy. The teens are no problem...I put them to work weeding. It's the twins that can't find anything to do. Well, that's not entirely so...Jared is playing with his friend that lives behind us. It's Jenny...all her friends are away, it's too hot to practise soccer shots in the driveway, and she doesn't want to go's boring without her friends. What's worse, I can't even put her to work. There's really nothing left for her to do. Yikes! She's not watching any more TV...that's what she did all morning. I don't have time to find her something to do...I have housework to finish. Being the entertainment director sucks. LOL Oh well, everyone is back in school in 3 weeks. CJ came by again today. She even offered to take the dog out for a walk. That surprised me a lot. She even asked Kaitlyn to come with her. She really is a good kid at heart, but so screwed up. She had something really bad happen to her that haunts her to this day....probably because she got zero support from her mother. All her mother ever did was freak on her for every little thing, and treat her like she wished she'd never had CJ...which, let's face it....she didn't. My sister freely admits that she's not cut out to be a mother. Too bad CJ has had to pay the price for my sister's failures.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

WTF Else Can Go Wrong?!

Matt arrived safe and sound yesterday, and so far doesn't seem real impressed with our little town. It's not like he's from a thriving metropolis or anything, but his city is significantly bigger than mine. His has about 80 000 people....mine has roughly 6500. LOL Hopefully he'll survive the 2 weeks without all the amenities he's used to. We don't even have a Tim Hortons or a Dairy Queen, for gawd sakes!! It's barbaric, I tell ya! LOL Good thing he likes camping.I ended up finally telling my brother to either grow up or crawl back under his rock. I received a rather offensive e-mail from him this morning, yet haven't seen hide nor hair of him since the day his buddy turned up at my house. That was it...I went nuclear. I don't think I'll be seeing him again for awhile...I told him pretty much what I've been venting here the last couple of days, and then some. I really wanted to talk to him in person, but if he's going to fire off ignorant e-mails to me and not even have the stones to come talk to me personally, then screw him. I've got quite the track record going here.....this is the third family member that I've told to grow up or get lost in less than a year and a half. First my sister, then her daughter, now my little brother. Wanda still doesn't want much to do with me, Alf for sure won't be speaking to me for a good long time...and CJ and I didn't speak for well over 6 months. I'm beyond giving a damn. I kept my mouth shut about everything for wayyyyyyyyy too long....I won't do it anymore. The sibs can think what they want about me...they always have, and always will. At least my niece and I have pretty much patched up our relationship. There are still days that I could just shake her senseless, but I chalk it up to her being 16 and being raised by a complete twit.With everything else that's been going on, I really didn't need another upset....but nevertheless, I got one and it's a gooder. moving over 500 miles away to live with a racist, homophobic control freak who lived here with her for 3 months, decided he didn't like it and hightailed it back home. I'm sorry, but if some man agreed to come live with me and then up and scrammed back home after 3 months without making a lick of effort to build a life here.....he could just stay scrammed, and I'd be staying put. I sure as hell wouldn't be following the butthead. Oh well...her life, her mistakes. If she wants to end up being some guy's piece of property, she can fly right at 'er. She knows that I think she's an idiot for doing this...I'm not gonna keep my mouth shut where she's concerned, either. That's probably one of the reasons she's been so distant. I think she liked me better when I didn't volunteer my opinion at all. Come to think of it, I think most people liked me better that way. It was like..."oh, we can say or do whatever we want to her...she won't mind...she never says anything to stop us, anyway.." Now that people don't get away with that crap with me anymore, they get all pissy and consider me a bitch. If being honest and standing up for myself makes me a bitch, then yeah, I am....and proud of it. It's about freakin time, too.

Late in evening....

Y'know, it's occured to me that more often than not, I write here when I'm angry or upset. It must not set a very good tone for a quit smoking site. LOL I think I should try to write more about the overall benefits of not smoking, and quit whining about how I want to smoke when I'm ticked off. About the only good thing I can think of about the whining is that it shows you that addiction doesn't just lies dormant, waiting for the right opportunity to pounce. Vigilence is key here, people...don't ever forget what addiction feels like. That's one of the things that's kept me from giving in lately....I remember all too well what life was like as a smoker. It sucked...sucked away my money, my health, my time, my energy...Anyway, from now on I'll try not to be on such a downer. I don't plan to regurgitate nothing but sweetness and light, or claim that everything's coming up roses, though. That's not my style. I just don't want to come across as some batshit lady who developed an anger management problem without her butts. LOL I'm not a raving psycho all the time, honest....the people in my life just make me that way occasionally!

Friday, August 06, 2004

It's a New Day

Well, hopefully today will be a better day. I've got my nephew that isn't really my nephew arriving in about 3 hours for a 2 week visit, so I'm looking forward to seeing him. His mother and I have been friends for over 20 years, so we're Auntie to each other's kids. It'll be great to see him...he's a good kid, and he'll keep Kaitlyn outta my hair. LOL It's nice for Kaitlyn to have a "cousin" close to her age...Matt is 14, whereas her actual cousins are 16 and 20. I sure hope Alf doesn't show up today...I don't have the time to tell him what I need to say, what with Matt arriving and all. Besides, even if I did have the time, I'm positive that what I have to say won't make an impression on him. It never has before...and it sure didn't the other night. I should just let Mickey deal with him like he wants 6'8", he's about the only one that Alf won't mess with. The dude won't listen to anything I have to say, obviously. I'll just let Mickey have his little talk with Alf...I'm officially throwing up my hands in despair where that guy is concerned. If he does show up today, I'll just say "piss off, I'm busy."I've got something else to look forward to....camping!! We leave in 3 days for a week-long trip. I can't wait! It's so hard on my body...we tent, after all....but I love it. I tell ya, if I still smoked, there's no way we'd be able to afford to go on another big camping trip only a mere 2 weeks after the last one. I'm so glad I made the right decision last night. That was the worst I wanted to smoke in months and months. Sure, I had some moments in the past 4 months, but they were weak and fleeting. This was almost like the first few days after I quit, and it sucked! I did end up going for another bike ride with the dog...she was sure happy about it. LOL I picked out some rough terrain nearby and went the time I got home, I didn't have the breath, inclination, or the energy to go to the store. My back and leg weren't too happy with me, but hey...I didn't care. My quit is intact and that's all that matters.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

I've Had It With This Arse

OMFG, I am sooooooooooo angry and I want to smoke sooooooooooo bad!!!!! I wish my brother would either get his shit together or crawl back under his rock. Today, one of the scumbags he knows showed up at my house looking for him.To call this guy a piece of shit is derogatory to feces everywhere. Even worse, my 13 yr old picked today to screw up and answer the door when I wasn't home. She knows better than that. She knows that I will ALWAYS identify myself if I've forgotten my keys and have to knock. So it was bad enough that she opened the door to a stranger, but it was even worse when I found out who the stranger was...a filthy, disgusting pederast who once asked my husband if he knew of any young girls who'd put out for cocaine. Goddamnit!! I am so sick of Alf, his alcoholism, his drug abuse, his lies, his refusal to get help, his claims that he's seen the light, and his scumbag friends that know full well that he's not staying here, so therefore have no business darkening my doorstep!!!!! If I thought for one second that a cigarette would do any good, I'd be forking over 10 bucks and smoking the whole damn pack in one sitting! Then where would I be? Addicted, broke, and way angrier in the long run.All it is is a remembered response to a stressful situation....that doesn't mean it's the right response. I've been pissed off lots since I quit, and I haven't lit up once. This time is no different. I'll go for another bike ride or something to calm down if I have to, and if I do go out, I won't be taking any money with me. I think I've made it rather clear to Kaitlyn that if she ever opens the door when I'm out again, she won't make it to 14. I didn't give her any details, but I made it very clear that she opened the door to a very bad man.One of the things that galled me the most was the fact that Alf ranted on about how the guy knows where he is if he wants to find him, and then proceeded to go on about things that, as the mother of 2 young girls, I REALLY don't care to hear when I'm that livid.. I'm already fully aware of what a nasty pig the man is, I don't need details that turn my stomach further!!! It seemed way too suspicious to he was trying to deflect my anger from him and make my anger toward the scumbag worse. The bugger is obviously hiding something, but then, what the hell else is new?? This is the last straw. He needs to understand that his being here is nothing but a disruption...and dare I say, a all of us. He's obviously still not willing to make the effort to battle his addictions, to get proper help for his mental illness, or to even get a job. I don't know what on earth he wants from us. We've all tried to help him, but you can't help someone who isn't willing to help himself, and who invariably takes advantage of everyone who lends him a hand. Our hard-ass sister has even let him stay in this shack she has on her property, and as a result, he hasn't done thing one toward getting a job. After all, he has a free place to stay. I thought Wanda knew better after the way Alf once turned up at Mom's and squatted there for 3 months until she herself had to threaten to go all the way to the next province to kick him out if she had to. She had to know she was gonna get rooked by the guy. Aaarrgggghh! I've had it! Now I understand why people give up on relatives. If you've tried over and over to help them and they still prefer to wallow in their addictions, live at the bottom edge of society...and then freaking whine about it...what the hell is the point??

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

We Are Not Amused

Okay...I just might commit fratricide before too much longer. I'm ready to kick my brother's ass at the very least. This guy feels that it's perfectly acceptable to just walk right in, sit right down and help himself to whatever might be on hand, and when I say something about it, I'm just being menstrual. Excuse the hell out of's not like it's MY FRIGGING HOUSE or anything!! I don't mind him visiting, for the most part...but I do mind when he plunks his ass down at the puter and raids my fridge without so much as a by your leave. I might have to sic Mickey on him, 'cause the dumb ass sure won't listen to me. My stress level goes through the roof when he's might be nice to have Mickey rip him a new one. At least he'd stay away for a few days and I wouldn't have to listen to his constant litany of stale bullshit.I've tried to let him know that he's pushing it, but evidently he thought I was kidding or something. The worst part of this? His smokes are looking good. I know it's just the fact that I'm always on edge when he's around...I still find smokes as disgusting as ever. Especially when brother dearest sits down at my kitchen table, dumps several used cigarette butts out of a pouch and proceeds to remove the tobacco from them and roll a smoke out of it. Can we say EWWWWWWWWWWW!!! The funny thing is, I remember doing that very thing. When I feel stressy and like I might want to smoke, there's an image I should keep firmly in my mind. Guaranteed crave killer. There's no way I'm giving up this quit, and especially not for a wanker like Alf. He's been here for about a month and still hasn't done jack shit to better his situation, but expects us all to believe that he's a changed man. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say that he's a 16 year old in a 39 year old's much so that I consider him my little brother, even though he's 7 years older than me. I don't have enough time or patience to describe the multitude of problems that the guy has.I think it's time to move. 80% of my family now live in the same town. All we need is my eldest brother, Greg and my mom to make our little dysfunctional Brady Bunch complete. Don't get me wrong, I do love my family....I just don't like some of them very much. Two out of three siblings, I wouldn't have for friends if you paid me to...and sometimes I wonder about the third sibling.. Most times, I'd be happier if there was at least 2 continents and an ocean between me and them. I understand perfectly why Greg joined the Navy. It's pretty hard to get embroiled in family controversy when you're in Africa or China. LOL