Been Awhile....

since I blogged, I see. I've been really busy with work, mostly. I'm getting hours right, left and center...they seem to be increasing steadily. It helps that a couple of my co-workers (in this case, cow-irkers) are completely and utterly lazy. I'd have been perfectly happy just getting 15-20 hours a week, but I sure as hell am not going to turn down the 32-36 I've been averaging lately. It's been going pretty well. I seem to be doing okay, and I get along pretty well with almost everyone. I've got a really good rapport with the asst. manager and one of the senior guards....they're pretty funny and have the same twisted sense of humour that I do.

On the down side, I seem to have peed off two cow-irkers because I recently ratted them out to the boss over something that happened last Thursday. One of them was already cheesed off at all the hours I was getting over him, and then last Thursday happened. The other one (who's the other "senior" guard) probably got pissed when I went over his head and had the front desk call the cops when he wouldn't do jack to solve the problem. I'm too damn old to take crap off 17 and 19 year olds. The air temperature got decidedly colder around me when I saw them both yesterday. Oh well, in order for that to bother me, I would first have to care about them or their thoughts.Any time I have to work with them may be uncomfortable, but so be it...at least they know now that I won't hesitate to do what I think is right. There is another cow-irker that I simply CANNOT stand, but she's just a silly little girl, so I don't pay a lot of attention to her.

So I was pretty ticked with my brother in my last entry, wasn't I? Well, he's since apologized most sincerely, and was here for another visit at Christmas. This one was vastly different from the last one. He came over to play dominos a couple of times, and darts with Mick. I actually had that night off, so I was able to hang with them. I'm not sure what made him finally apologize (it took several weeks)....but I'm glad to see a glimmer of the Greg I used to know. I think Mom may have shamed him. LOL

Now to make this post smoking (or non) related...I was around mucho cigs over the holidays, and I didn't have the urge even once. My brother, nephew, niece and brother in law all smoke, and a lot of my sister and brother in laws friends smoke. I hung outside with them at Wanda's, and I hung in the garage at my place with them, and it didn't bother me a bit. I even held Cam's smoke while he did something, and I kind of looked like it like it was a fresh piece of shit. It certainly smelled like it. LOL

Too Bad I'm Not an Only Child

So my brother and my nephew, Cam were visiting for about 2 weeks. My brother is an ass, but his son is good people...prolly because Greg didn't have a hell of a lot to do with raising him. A more arrogant, obnoxious, chauvinistic bastard you couldn't find, I shit you not. Hunting, drinking and going off to scronk some bint is more important than seeing his youngest sister. He spent all sorts of time with his other sister...prolly because she'll sit and smoke copious amounts of pot with him, and they're both just as selfish as each other. I'm just not fun enough...oh well. No skin off my ass. I learned a long time ago where he's concerned that it's best not to give a shit....don't get hurt that way. Same deal with all my siblings, really. They're toxic to me, so I have to protect myself. I wasted a lot of years allowing them to hurt me....not anymore. Although I gotta admit, my guard slipped somewhat the other day when I found out that the colossal prick left last Saturday without even saying good bye to me. I saw him twice the whole 2 weeks he was here....he came to my house once for about an hour and the second time was at Wanda and Mark's Halloween party. Last Friday he came over to my house....unfortunately I was working 2-10pm. He played darts and drank beer with Mick and Cam, but couldn't be bothered to come to the pool to see me because he had a "date". Yeah, a booty call is more like it. He scronks this friend of Wanda's every time he's in town. She must have zero respect for herself.

He's not even worth getting all in a twist about. He has always been this way and will continue to do so. The best thing I can do is call bullshit on him whenever he speaks it (which is often) and ignore his insensitivity. Greg's priority is to himself and to his dick. I feel bad for Cam, though. Greg is just as much as a prick to him as he is to practically everyone else. There was a few times that Cam apparently wanted to cold cock his dad, but he didn't. Good thing, too. It wouldn't solve a thing.

I took Cam to the bus station almost an hour ago. It was nice that he stayed a couple extra days. He took me out for dinner last night. He also bought the kids some fast food, then we walked up to the sports bar. Holy crap, did we ever eat! We got poutine and popcorn shrimp to start, I had chicken curry soup and ginger beef, and Cam had a ginormous burger with caesar salad. Good thing he's got a good job with the Coast Guard...he blew a wad of money last night! lol
He's a decent person...will prolly be a good man. He bent over backwards to visit everyone, and even tried on a few occasions to get his dad over here. No luck, obviously. He was pissed at Greg on our behalf, but like I told him...there's no point. Greg doesn't get it and prolly never will. At least having Cam makes up for having whacked out sibs. lol

Keisha: 1994-2005

We're not entirely sure when Keisha was born. We got her from the pet rescue lady in July, 1994. It was figured that she was between 4-6 months old then, so I just shared my February birthday with her. She was scruffy and skinny, and had apparently been abused. She was skittish and distrustful of men, especially. She warmed right up to me, though....and was tolerant of the kids. When we got her, Kaitlyn was 3 and the twins were just 3 months old. Keisha would let the kids do pretty much anything to her. We even have a picture of Jenny using her for a pillow, and another where she's curled up against Jenny's side. I think they were taken days after we got Keisha. When they were little, they basically got away with anything...but as they got older, they'd get hissed and batted at...but Keisha kept her claws sheathed unless someone had really pissed her off. LOL
Two weeks after we got her, she got hit by a car right in front of the house. We were all outside enjoying the evening. Keisha wandered out into the middle of the street, and I was going to get her when this car came blaring down the road. I had to flippin near jump out of the way so I didn't get hit myself. I watched in horror as the car ran over the cat. I screamed and turned away as I heard the car hit the brakes with a screech. (To the person's credit, she stopped to see if there was anything she could do). When I turned back, I expected to see a flat cat. Instead, I see an extremely scared and pissed off cat leaping over the fence and go into hiding under the porch. Mick crawled in after her and brought her into the house. She wasn't bleeding or anything, but she couldn't hold her back end up. When we got her into the vet, they couldn't believe how lucky this cat was. She had a fractured hip, but it was what is called a greenstick fracture...meaning that it's akin to breaking an immature twig. It cracks, but everything stays lined up. She healed up just fine in a couple of weeks, with nothing but arthritis in her later years to show for it.

She was the feistiest cat I've ever seen. She once chased Kaitlyn's friend's dog up the street. Dog was so scared that it ran all the way back home....a full 6 blocks. Another time, Mick and I were outside our old house talking to this lady that had a huge dog with her. I think it was a St. Bernard. Keisha comes out of the house, takes one look at this dog and leaps over the fence directly onto this dog's head, hissing and spitting. She wasn't a very happy kitty when we brought Amy the dog home 3 years ago. A couple swipes across the nose encouraged Amy to leave Keisha strictly alone. Amy would go to lay on the couch, see Keisha, and turn tail and slink into a corner. LOL

She was a pretty good hunter until she had a bad experience that I think shook her confidence. Mickey and I were in the basement of our old house doing laundry. He just happened to look out the window and told me to look too. There was Keisha sat on the fence with a bird in her mouth. She jumped down into the yard, looking all proud. She went to set it down, I guess to play with it or eat it or something....and damned if it didn't up and fly away on her! OMG, we laughed our asses off! She was not a happy kitty...she stood there for a minute looking all confused. It was like she was saying, "WTF just happened here?!" After that, she seemed to give up on hunting. When we moved, we had a bit of a mouse problem. There was one under the entertainment centre, but she just laid on the couch and looked at it, totally not interested. Funny, we had 2 cats in the house for a year...but still had mice. We've had a dog for 3 years...and haven't seen a single mouse in that time. LOL

In April of 1998 we got a new kitten named Mittens. She looks a lot like a seal point siamese. When we first brought her home, Keisha hated her. She hissed and spit whenever the new kitty came near her. I was starting to get pretty worried by the time I went to bed that night. I had caught Keisha taking a swipe at Mittens earlier. I didn't sleep very well that night, and ended up getting out of bed at 5 am. I went out to the living room, and there on the couch was Keisha...nursing the baby?! Damned if she didn't start actually producing milk after a week or two as well. She was a total surrogate mother to that kitten. Litter trained her, nursed her, dragged her around by the scruff of the neck...the whole deal. In fact, Keisha nursed Mittens for about 18 months. I tried really hard to wean her off, but they were both pretty insistent. I think Keisha even taught Mittens how to be an aloof little hosebag! We aren't the owners...we're the staff. :~p

We didn't have Keisha spayed until later in life because it seemed that her reproductive organs got damaged in her accident. She did get pregnant once or twice, but nothing came of it. We didn't see the point. Fuck, how I wish I could turn back time and have her spayed shortly after we got her. When I first discovered the lump in her mammaries about 18 months ago, I did some research on the internet, and what I discovered made me want to bitchslap myself. The leading cause of breast cancer in cats and dogs is delayed spaying...allowing them to go into heat repeatedly...that sort of thing. When the tumour was first biopsied, it was benign. We were advised to just leave it. For awhile, it stayed the same...then after about 6 months, it started growing and changing rapidly. Back to the vet. Different vet saw her and explained that it looked very much like a carcinoma. We found out at that point that Keisha also had a heart murmur, so surgery was even more risky. An 11 year old cat with a heart murmur very likely would not survive a mastectomy, and even if she did, chances were excellent that the cancer had already mestastisized somewhere else.....which it had. Her last 5 days or so of life were spent struggling for air. I should've had her put to sleep as soon as I realized last Monday that she was getting winded going from the couch to the basement door....10 ft away. I waited until last Friday because Mickey would be home. He works out of town Mon-Thurs now, and I couldn't face losing Keisha alone. Besides, he loves her too. He'd have understood if I'd done it sooner, but he'd have been devastated just the same. As it happened, I think things were as they should be. It took just over an hour to euthanize my stubborn little Keisha kitty. Her circulation was so bad, it took enough oral anesthetic to knock out a 40 pound dog before she didn't fight the clippers. The lady shaved one of her front paws to give her the injection. It was over before she had barely pressed in the plunger on the syringe. She struggled for air no more. She's buried behind the mini-porch out back where I hang stuff on the clothesline. I made a marker the day before it happened. It says:

KEISHA

Beloved cat/fur-kid of the _____

1994~2005

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SPAY/NEUTER YOUR PETS BEFORE THEIR FIRST HEAT...DON'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!

Grief sucks.

Sigh. I hurt. I've never had to put a pet to sleep before, but on Friday morning, I did just that. My Keisha kitty was nearly 12 years old, and cancer had ravaged her. I fucking hate cancer. She went from 15 pounds to just over 6....and she still ate like a pig - right up until the day before her death. I know she was suffering, but I so miss her. I'm also relieved that her pain and her struggle to breathe is over, but the pain of losing her is crushing. If this is what losing a pet is like, what the hell am I gonna be like when I lose my first person?? I'm one of those lucky few who has never lost anyone close to me, really. I lost one set of grandparents really young, so I didn't know either of them, and as for the other set...I lost my grandma at 13, my grandpa at 21, but didn't see them very often, since they lived clear across the country. Losing them hurt, sure...but it wasn't as bad as it could've been.

On Saturday night I almost asked my nephew for a drag of his smoke....then I caught a whiff of the stupid thing. Ewwwwwww!!!! That right there was enough to change my mind. Good thing too...because I know full well I wouldn't have stopped at one drag. I'd prolly have smoked the entire thing, then asked him for a whole cigarette....and then before I even knew it, I'd have been stopping at the 7-11 on my way home from the party and buying a pack. There's no such thing as "just one".

Kids....GAAHHH!!

There are days I seriously wonder wtf I was thinking when I had kids. lol My dear, beloved teenager ran out of cell phone minutes before the concert...and that was what I bought her the freaking minutes for. To call me when her and Tina were picked up from the concert. Tina blew all hers, too. I'm pretty sure those two brainiacs were texting each other on the bus ride. So she called me collect from a payphone before the concert started, and I told her to call me as soon as she got back to Tina's grandma's. I waited up until 2:30 in the morning...no call. Forget about shitting bricks....I was shitting whole skyscrapers. I must've paced a 5 ft deep trench in my living room floor. I called twice...at 1 and 1:30am...no answer. I'm a little disappointed in the grandma, I gotta say. If I saw a message from my granddaughter's friend's mom on my machine at 1:30am, I'd make damn sure the child called home before going to sleep, no matter what time it was. Around 2 or so, I realized that if something were wrong, I'd have heard about it already....the "no news is good news" principle. After that, I was able to doze off a little. To say I slept fitfully is an understatement. lol I think I woke up every 15 mins or so.

Finally the phone rang around 6am. It was Kait, and of course I got the "what were you so worried about?" line. Just you wait, Kaitlyn....when it's your 14 y/o at a rock concert in the big city, we'll see how maternal worry kicks the snot outta you! Sheesh! Anyway, everything went well and the concert kicked ass. I'll discuss the lack of cell minutes and lack of phone call after the concert this afternoon when she gets home. She knows that I'm pissed about the cell minutes thing, but I didn't say much about it on the phone. I was just happy to hear her voice and know for sure that she is safe. I gotta call this trip a success overall, though. If running out of phone minutes was their biggest screw up, than its all good. I'm not worried about them getting wasted at the concert or anything. I trust Kait's judgement. She wants no part of drugs. I talked with her about never accepting anything from a stranger....teenager edition. I warned her off about never leaving her drink cup unattended, and keeping the lid on and such. I explained how easy it would be for some jackass to spike her drink with booze, or worse yet, GHB. I also talked to her about not accepting any joints that might be offered, for the reason that lots of people like to spice up their pot with PCP, coke, heroin and the like. The biggest thing I kept reiterating was that Kait and Ti should stick together like glue and look out for each other. Nothing like the buddy system.
I'm not naive....I'm pretty sure those girls were at least a little stoned when they left there. I'm not so old that I don't remember the copious pot smoking that goes on at a rock concert. Bottom line: I trust her. Also, she knows that if she did anything wrong while in Vancouver....like get plastered at the concert....she'd never be allowed another excursion like this....EVER. As she said, she'd be stupid to screw this up...another of her fave bands is playing nearby after the new year. lol

Worry Is The Most Wasteful Emotion....

The sooner I learn that for good, the better! I've been working pretty solid for the past month, and I gotta say...it's like I've been lifeguarding for years.We'll see what happens the first time there's an emergency on my shift, but I'm confident that I can handle it if it does happen. Honestly, worrying about my ability to do this job was really stupid of me. I am more than competent....what I need to do is get confident. I'm getting better in that area, though.

So many things have been happening around here lately, it's insane. Some good...some otherwise.

Good (with a touch of otherwise): I'm not the only one in the family with a new job in a new field. Mickey quit his retail job of 10 years...to work on the railroad. He's on his second week and is really enjoying it so far. He's away from home from Monday morning to Thursday afternoon, so sleeping alone 3 nights a week takes some getting used to. His days could vary, too. He was telling me that next week he may be out for 6 days, but off for 8. The new job is good...the new wage is really good....the time apart kinda sucks. The funny thing is, in the long run, we actually get more time together. When he worked at the grocery store, he had 2 days off, but not. On those 2 days, he worked as a projectionist for the movie theatre, so he basically never had days off for about 3 years. I should quit whining, though...I can do this 3 nights standing on my head. Even if it's 6 nights, it's still nothing compared to the months on end we'd have to be apart when he was in the army.

Otherwise: The boy child needs dental surgery to remove 2 extra teeth in his bottom jaw. New job doesn't give Mickey benefits until he's been there 6 months. I don't get benefits at all as a part time employee. His appointment with the specialist (3 hours away) was on Oct. 3...next Monday. The group coverage from the previous job runs out on Friday, and the insurance company (of frickin course) won't give us a break. So I had to cancel the appointment that we had to wait 6 bloody months for in the first place, because of 3 lousy days.

Good (peppered with otherwise): Kaitlyn is, as I type, rocking out at the Green Day concert that we gave her tickets to on her birthday in June. However, the plan was for Mickey to take her. He couldn't because of his job, so I was gonna take her. Six days to concert day...last Wednesday...my sitter for the twins cancelled on me. I was like....NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I ended up giving my ticket to her best friend, and sending them both into the city on the Greyhound. They're staying with the friend's grandma. I kinda wish I was there, but honestly...what a drag to go to a rock concert with your mom of all people! That's why I gave the ticket to her friend. She'd have way more fun with Tina than with her old mother. It helped that they have an overprotective grandma to stay with, too. lol I'm a bit nervous at the thought of my little girl at a rock concert in Vancouver, but her and Tina are smart girls with good heads on their shoulders. Hell, she's called me 6 times since I put her on the bus yesterday afternoon. lol Friggin mama hen syndrome. :~s I won't breathe properly until I hear from her after the concert, I just know it. She ran out of cell phone mins (damn her) so I prolly won't hear from her until midnight, when she gets back to the burbs. My baby's growing up on me, but does it have to cause me such anxiety?? Yes. It does. That's what makes me a good mom.

Totally, utterly sucky: It looks like the end is near for my cat. I'm pretty sure the cancer is in her lungs, judging by the way she wheezes at times, and the way she has to stop to catch her breath when she comes up from the basement. I also discovered a small lump on the side of her neck the other day. She's lost quite a bit of weight, too...yet she's still eating and drinking. Not nearly as much as she used to in a sitting, (she was a flipping pig in cat's clothing) but still twice a day. The rest of time she's curled up on a blanket behind the couch. I know I should consider putting her to sleep soon, but I can't imagine doing it while Mick is away. I couldn't bear that pain without him next to me. We can't do it at the end of this week because I"m working when he gets home Thursday, and I picked up an extra shift for Friday morning and don't get off until 3:30 Unless we can get in after that, I may either have to wait until the end of the following week, or bite the bullet and just do what's right instead of what's convenient and easier for me. Fuck, I hate this. I've never had to make this decision before, and it blows big time. :~(

I've had some smoking memories from time to time while this upheaval has been happening, but would I actually have a cigarette? No way, man....smoking is so tired. My quit is one of the few things I actually have control of right now...I'll be damned if I'm giving it up.

T minus 29 Hours.......

Until I start my first job in 5 years. Holy crap...ya wanna talk about nervous! I'll be OK, I know that....I went in 3 days last week for some orientation, and I'm going in today to find out how to close the pool. I've no doubt that I'm able to do the job. It's just that I haven't worked in 5 years, and I'm not sure how my body will react to three 8 hour shifts in a row. I'm trying really hard not to think about that, and to follow Nike's advice....just do it. I can't let that garbage into my head, for every time I do, I get that old familiar feeling. You know the one...that "omg, I'm freaked...a smoke will calm me" feeling. I know it's bullshit. A smoke won't do anything of the sort. All a smoke will do is make what I'm feeling now even worse. Not only that, but after a time, smoking will make it impossible for me to do my job. There's no way in hell I could've passed the physical criteria as a smoker.

It's a remembered reaction to stress, plain and simple. I've been quit two and a half years...but I smoked for 20. That's a drop in the bucket, really. I smoked as a reaction to EVERYTHING...good and bad, for a really long time. It's natural to occasionally think of smoking when the stress hits hard and fast. It's nothing to be afraid of, but something to keep in the back of your mind. As long as you do nothing about it, you're laughin'. That's the beauty of staying quit, really.....all you have to do is nothing.

I Wish....

that I could rip the blinders of addiction off of the people that I care about. For example, my mom was talking about all the blood pressure meds and whatnot that she's had to take the past several years. I replied that I battled high BP before I quit smoking, and for the last 2 years, its been steady as a rock. Her answer to that was basically that she'd rather eat Lipitor twice a day. :~s

My brother had something like a six month quit under his belt recently....shot to hell in a night of drinking with his Navy buddies. He shrugs and goes "oh well...quitting's easy....I've done it lots." *sigh* Then there's my 17 y/o niece....I won't even go into that one, except to say that she's finally started smoking in front of me after 2 years. Every time she lit one last weekend, I wanted to rip it out of her face and stub it out in the middle of her forehead! lol

Why is it that I've held onto my quit come hell or high water? I used to have the least amount of willpower of anyone I knew. Everyone....absolutely everyone....expected me to cave a long time ago. I was pretty close last weekend....but I held on....lord knows how. Addiction is an insidious little bastid....he lies dormant for weeks, months, YEARS at a time....but the second he sees a chink in your armour....BAM!! He tries to worm his way in. I look at it this way, though....I'd much rather be an ex-smoker with an occasional desire for a sickarette, than a smoker who is chained to nicotine til the day I die.